As an immigrant to England from a Muslim majority country, one must learn social etiquette. This often stems from social and folk ways that that people have agreed upon in the past. Sets of dos and don’ts permeate every culture; but due to the fact that Muslims have to constantly be reminded of “being British” and “fitting in,” I feel it necessary for me to enumerate these for some of our new arrivals from the Arab world.
When I first arrived, I was not aware that there was such a sport as “vomit wading.” I had always believed that when people eat food, they allow it to digest, follow all the bodily processes and then have the waste expelled from the body. Not here. No, not at all. Instead, carriers of civilisation, democracy and freedom prefer to drink and take pharmaceutical drugs on an empty stomach and then binge on food not long after.
Before getting halfway through the meal, they will then vomit the contents out. This is often done on busy streets, sidewalks, thoroughfares, park benches, grassy areas where walkers might take a rest in the shade and even foot paths where one would normally expect that they be absent of vomit. All other passers by are then forced to wade through it or learn to dodge these large clumps of partially digested food.
One can often spot English people on the way to work, utilising their deft and blinding foot speed in avoidance of these puddles. These people are veterans, champions and seasoned athletes in this sport. When I arrived, I often failed in the contest, collapsing into it, slipping around it and even sometimes almost tripping over myself in order to avert it.
Still another custom will involve men urinating in public (whether it is daytime or night time urinating will depend on the area, as social customs might have slight variations connected to the individual county).
The great thing about this custom is it not only involves standing stationary. This would be far to easy. Instead, particularly in the Midlands of England, men prefer to unzip and urinate and go on a walk while the waste fountain gushes onto the pavement (this level of multi-tasking immediately shows the observer why the rest of the world needs the Anglosphere’s civilising influence).
As far as the writer has been able to gather, this method used by men is not for the purpose of marking territory. At best it may be used as a tactic to scare natural enemies and potential predators further up the food chain. Whoever that might be is unknown, but it certainly causes aversion.
I have always wondered about another sport that is practiced in England as it has left me confused and perplexed. Unable to find someone who can satisfactorily describe or name the sport, I have sufficed to call it, “toilet missing.” It seems that the goal of this sport is to land human waste any and everywhere around the commode but to avoid directly depositing waste in it.
Pubs and taverns aren’t the only places who practice this sport. Even upscale middle class supermarkets, park and rec centres and gathering places for high society reserve this for their best adherents. Not being a participant, I have often cleaned these to enable me to use the facilities. This is not appreciated by athletes of this sport and if you return you will often find the area in the same condition as previous or maybe even worse in defiance of your hygienic snobbery.
Over and above all the other sports that Muslim immigrants (especially from the Arab world) should appraise themselves of is “squatting.” I have been forced to name this sport due to the fact that I was yet again frustrated upon not being furnished with one when I asked English people about it.
Studies suggest that the main athletes in this sport are women. Often out with friends and not wanting to engage in another sport, toilet missing (and this can be appreciated as most athletes cannot play more than one sport at a time), they prefer to gather, lift their short skirts (which aid in the process) and urinate in the street in a squatting position (similar to a hound, hence the article title, Release the Hounds). With or without panties would depend upon experience in the sport.
The most decorated and celebrated will not wear panties and squat next to the bumper of a car so as to facilitate others who may come later and step into it (this leads to another sport, called “urine wading,” its’ rules being identical to “vomit wading”).
For some reason, Syrians are not being educated in these sports before arriving in England. This is unfortunate for them in many ways as they completely fail to enjoy British culture, customs and often find themselves not able to integrate properly into British civil society.
One such case involved a Syrian couple who had been here a number of years (how could they fail to know about one of England’s great past times?) and while at a picnic in Central Park, Plymouth, were subjected to squatting by two well known champions.
These two athletes, Natalie Richardson, 32, and Claire Farrell, 36, who were drunk at the time, shouted racist abuse and pulled down their underwear and squatted within metres of the family and their two children, ages eight and ten. This would be an opportunity to show not just adult Syrians, but even their children the art of a proper squat.
Not to be outdone, Ms. Richardson and Ms. Farrell also had six other children with them on that fateful Sunday afternoon. The reason for this may be that these six children were amateurs in the sport and were being shown proper form. The Muslim family were praying at the time, but the racial abuse spewed would have probably held their attention after the prayer.
The squatters were apparently out of bounds and were hauled into court. How they avoided jail time from the angry judge is a mystery, but this punishment and public shaming might drive squatting back underground.
Muslims from the Arab world as of late have received a good smiting in the media on account of terrorism, the uncomfortable mouthing of “Allahu Akbar” (even if in prayer in the masjid) and also lack of knowledge surrounding Anglosphere culture and how alien it is to their own. It is my hope that Arabs coming to the United Kingdom or other sectors of the Anglosphere can take benefit in this article so as not to be caught as unaware as I was upon being allowed entry.
Who can tell? In a few years maybe that Syrian family will have mastered all the other sports or at least know where to be so as to avoid them. And don’t we all want Arab Muslims to be more sensitive and aware of the host countries they are coming to anyway?